The Expendables

This movie can give you everything you’d expect from a trash movie released somewhere in the beginning of the 90s. It’s not funny. It doesn’t have a great plot (well, to be honest, it doesn’t have any kind of plot for that matter). It doesn’t have a lot of fresh action spiced with ambitious special effects. The Expendables could as well have been made in the 90s. Then, again, what would you expect from a movie produced by Rambo starring Terminator, Rocky and John McClane?

The whole thing – from beginning to the end – screams in ambiguous rage: “Hell, look at those guys, they are still so badass after all these years!” The thing is, they are not. Seriously, the whole movie is about telling us how the cast is badass. Having seen the trailer, you’d probably wonder if there is something more. The answer to this question is no, there is not.

It’s not one of those action movies released in the 21^st century. Not Crank, not Transporter, not Shoot ’Em Up. Don’t expect funny jokes and awesome style, for there are no such things here.

The only reason you would want to watch The Expendables is your undeniable urge to see dudes who became symbols of American badassness. And, of course, Charisma Carpenter, who looks surprisingly old—wrinkles all over her face. Not exactly what you remember from watching that sexy bitchy cheerleader in Buffy. 

To cut the long story short, you've got to understand one simple truth: all heroes of your childhood are old now, along with those ancient special effects and oppressive militaristic leaders on lonely Latino islands.